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When looking at Joel Osteen’s triumphant success, you’ve probably asked the question “How does he do it?”
His life seems so extravagant yet completely effortless.
Getting to vacation year round, maintain a million-dollar, tax-free business and doing the Lord’s work, he never skips a beat.
For him to sustain such a fruitful lifestyle, he has laid a foundation that cultivates success day in and day out.
To get a better understanding of this foundation, we at Simple Lamm sat down with Joel to discuss his steps to success.
Like most people of his status, he accredits his accomplishments to a key component of his morning routine.
Specifically, “One action, first thing each morning, sets successful people apart from the rest.” Says Osteen.
“Morning masturbation”, he continues, “ is what catapulted me, and many others, into the realm of the 1%.”
Because Joel is an established role model for the American people, we asked him to elaborate on exactly how masturbating led him to the top of the social and financial ladder.
In sharing this, we hope Americans will adopt this multi-million dollar strategy, accomplish their own success, and build a better future for themselves.
Starting Your Day
Joel wanted to review some common morning practices that have been bouncing around among the internet.
“If you’ve been looking to get your morning routine in check,” he states, “you’ve probably done some research on this subject.”
“The results usually share 3 common practices: waking up early, spiritual meditation, and making a good breakfast.”
“Although these can help, they are not always realistic.”
“When it comes to waking up early, you’re probably losing out on sleep. Rest is very important, especially on Sundays.”
“Meditation… sure. But honestly, what happens when you close your eyes after not getting enough sleep? You’ll nod off faster than a narcoleptic reading the Quran.”
“And making a good breakfast sounds awesome, but takes a lot of time. A better use of your time would be fasting and being with the Lord”
“You can go ahead and put those 3 tasks towards the end of your morning routine”, he urges.
“You see, the first thing I do, even before my morning prayers, is reach down, grab ahold of my skyscraper, and beat that sun-of-a-gun like King Kong did on April 7th, 1933.”
“And just like that, I start my day with a win.”
“Frankly, success is about momentum. Starting off with one simple win gives you a competitive edge on the rest of the day”, says Osteen.
“Sort of like how they say making your bed builds momentum but that doesn’t carry the same weight because, well, making your bed doesn’t quite do the trick.”
“Not to mention, once you become as rich as I am, someone else will be making your bed for you”
“But yes, momentum. You can’t succeed without it.”
“Everyday, about 5 minutes after waking up, it’s already Joel-1, World-0. The rest of the day falls right into place.”
Joel then makes another incredible point:
“Now, not only are you waking up a winner, but you’re also feeding your dopamine and serotonin receptors.”
“And from what I understand, this feeling is rumored to be identical to high doses of ecstasy and cocaine administered simultaneously.”
“But why dilly dally in that sinful behavior when you could simply give your Tower of Babel a tug immediately upon waking and achieve the same incredible feeling.”
Conclusion
From the Holy Man himself, you must create the initial momentum and extraordinary feeling in your morning routine to jump start a successful day.
Then, the momentum from each successful day will snowball into a successful life.
So if you’re ready to be the person who gets out of bed at 4am, has an intense two-hour workout, reads an entire book, spends time with the Holy Spirit, and runs numerous businesses, Joel Osteen strongly recommends practicing morning masturbation, as it is will be the foundation of your future success.
From here, you can achieve your goals and build the life that you deserve.
